


If Walls Could Talk

by Berytni



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Developing Relationship, Drunken Flirting, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gun Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Office Blow Jobs, One Shot Collection, Rollisi Family Fluff, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:07:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27715198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Berytni/pseuds/Berytni
Summary: A series of one-shots from ADA Carisi’s first office, chronicling a love story.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 72
Kudos: 197





	1. Taking Chances

**Author's Note:**

> The first episode of season 22 inspired this series - their energy in his office and how soft it was. Each piece is connected and in chronological order...I’ve drafted a couple of these so far, but I’m thinking about 10? Anyways, thank you for reading, and enjoy!
> 
> Rated M for ch. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rollins surprises “Uncle Sonny” with a drawing from Jesse, and requited feelings.

For cases that felt endless, Dominick Carisi was grateful to have an office of his own to escape to. Granted, it more closely resembled a boiler room, but it was an improvement from the shared space in the DA’s office, so he was thankful. The walls were brown like a grocery store bag and the cabinets a dull tan, so anything he brought in to make the space his own enhanced it. However, even with photographs of his family and his law degree proudly on the wall, his office still lacked a personal touch.

Amanda Rollins always found her way in. His coworkers asked questions about the beautiful SVU detective but Sonny would always just smile and reminisce about the easy days when they were partners. Back when it was only her crystal blue eyes that would tie knots in his stomach and not the cases she brought him.

That evening after her shift, Rollins stopped by to say goodnight and to drop off a drawing for “Uncle Sonny” that Jesse had made for him during art class the day prior.

When she peeked her head in the door, she was disappointed to see him busy - hunched over at his desk facing her, scribbling notes on a pad of paper. He’d taken off his suit jacket and lazily pushed the sleeves of his button-down to his elbows; it also felt like a boiler room. She missed the availableness of Detective Carisi - nights of spaghetti and meatballs and reality television - but it was ADA Carisi she had fallen for. 

He finally picked up his head to see her standing in the doorway, her tan peacoat on but open and a file folder tucked under her arm.

“Hey,” he greeted, putting down his pen and straightening his upper back.

Rollins stepped up and surveyed his desk. “I’ve got something for you.”

“Add it to the pile,” he sighed with a harsher tone than intended, balancing his elbows on his desk and flicking his hands outwards.

She pursed her lips, shook her head, and tucked her bangs that fell loose behind her ear before slipping a single sheet of thick craft paper from the folder. With one hand she held out her child’s creation - a flower drawn with crayons in every color surrounded by pastel patches of watercolor paints and “I LOVE YOU UNCLE SONNY” written in marker. The “S” in Sonny was backward.

“I thought this could brighten up the place,” Rollins said, scrunching her nose playfully.

He took the paper from her and held the bottom corners of it between his thumbs and forefingers. A big grin grew across his face. He glanced up at Amanda as she twisted side to side. 

“‘Manda, this is...this is great.”

He stood up, holding the drawing in front of him, and looked around his office for the perfect spot. It made him forget about the long day that brought him to hours of trial prep. Ripping off two pieces of clear tape from his desk, he circled to the metal cabinets against the wall. On the top drawer, above the one with a slight indent, Carisi adhered the drawing to the metal.

“Helps already,” he said, taking a step back feeling proud and at ease. 

“Yeah, they really cut the budget with you, didn’t they?”

He put his hands on his hips. “It ain’t the Rafael Barba suite, that’s for sure...but I ain’t no Rafael Barba.”

She rocked on her heels behind him. “You’re closer than you think.”

Sonny didn’t think so. He let out an amused puff of air and shook his head. 

“I’m...proud of you, Dominick.”

His face neutralized and he blinked a couple of times before looking over his shoulder. She tilted her head, a little shocked to hear it come out of her mouth as well. A lump grew in his throat, the one that showed up every time they took two steps forward together and one step back.

“I, uh...you’ll tell Jess “thank you” for me?” he managed, turning his body to face her.

“Come do it yourself.”

“You know I’d love to but--”

“No, I get it, I get it.”

“What?”

She shrugged. “I lost my chance.”

A pause. 

“I - alright, wow - I’m gonna be here late, that’s all,” Sonny said with a laugh, taking a wide step to approach her. 

She turned her head down and to the side to avoid the confused and curious look in his eyes. Amanda chewed the inside of her cheeks as the outsides flushed and she ran a hand through her hair, clutching a section at the top of her neck. 

“Right,” she swallowed.

Sonny touched her elbow. She blinked up and slowly released her hair. He’d gotten a much better poker face since practicing law. However, his mind raced with “hows”, “whens”, and “whys”. He had no idea she felt that way and he felt like a fool for missing the signs. 

His silence made Amanda uncomfortable and she almost stepped back, but he slid his fingers down her forearm and picked up her hand. “I...you know, I’ll come in - I can come early tomorrow instead.”

“No, Sonny, it’s...you’d do that?”

He smiled, nodded twice, and squeezed her hand. “Give me, uh, ten minutes to wrap things up and we can go, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Carisi let her go and gestured with an open palm to the chair across from his desk, inviting her to take a seat. She kept her coat on, sat down on the front edge, and let her fingers fold over her knees. He rolled his chair underneath him, lowering down as he scanned the top sheet of a stack of paper on the desk. His pen and hand reunited. While he looked engaged with his work, his focus was long gone.

She watched the muscles in his forearm twitch as he returned to jotting down notes quickly on a yellow legal pad. In one motion he switched to typing on the keyboard to his right, turning his shoulders towards the desktop monitor.

“So...spaghetti tonight?” he asked, the computer still reflecting in his eyes.

Amanda smiled at the familiarity and sat back in the chair. “I’d like that.”

Her tone was so soft that there was no use continuing to work at half-capacity. Carisi put his computer to sleep and tucked away important documents for his return before the sun would touch the skyline. As he stood up, Jesse’s bright drawing caught his eye. He paused and smiled before slipping his suit jacket back on. 

Taking a job at the DA’s office was his shot. Without counting the chances Sonny had given Amanda over the years, he had missed every one she gave Dominick. She met him in front of the cabinets. His memories with her, their history, were all in black and white. The lump in his throat disappeared. It was their beginning, and all it took was a little color.


	2. Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Between work and her daughters, it’s impossible to get Rollins alone, but when it comes to their first kiss, Carisi proves he’s not so bad at politics.

Carisi had thought about kissing Amanda Rollins from the moment he saw her - back when he looked like a detective pulled from a 70’s cop show and everyone thought his days in Manhattan were numbered. Those were shallow feelings, his co-worker with a pretty face who could kick his ass and drink him under the table in either order. They both had grown since then. Now, he loved her and she’d admit to more than tolerating the handsome prosecutor who had always been there for her.

He started coming over again like the days after Jesse was born. It was a bigger balancing act than when he was a detective, try the whole circus, but she was worth starting his day before the tent went up. It was nice to enjoy each other's company again - subtly, softly, slowly. Not quite a friendship, not quite a romance. Like then, he never tried his luck kissing her, but it wasn’t about rejection. The girls were older now. She was harder to get alone and for the audience, it wouldn’t be fair.

He’d been at the DA’s office over a year and Carisi still struggled to find his place with the pressure of being the underdog. The good days, the wins - actual justice; the reason he became a cop, became a lawyer, to make a difference - were rare.

As the courtroom emptied after a case that nearly shook him, Sonny let himself feel proud. He gathered his paperwork and case notes. His old Captain congratulated him, their victim thanked him, and once he was alone, Rollins slipped around the barricade.

“Those early mornings really paid off, huh?” she asked, leaning onto the table.

He smiled to himself and continued to look down at papers scattered before him. “Probably the nights that helped the most.”

The courtroom doors stopped swinging. He had newfound freedom to hold back less with how he felt, knowing an eye-roll was the worst she’d give him in return. She pursed her lips to dilute an instantaneous grin. Her breath gave it away and Sonny picked up his head to share the moment with her.

They had planned on getting sandwiches in Little Italy after the trial. The ADA returned to packing up and as she waited for him, Amanda walked in wide circles before the judge's bench. Her heeled boots echoed in the empty courtroom and for a moment she put herself in his shoes. She stopped by the witness stand and looked over her shoulder.

“You look good up here. I’ve...always thought so.”

She too was free.

Carisi looked up and caught her batting her eyelashes, looking at him from head to toe, and he was immediately drawn in. He took enough of his bowlegged steps to meet her.

“That’s a relief,” he said. “I feel like a fool most days.”

She walked up against his chest and adjusted the lapels on his jacket. His knees felt weak. It could have been a perfect time to put her hands on her and to kiss her, but being alone was an illusion, and it would be his smoking gun. As clouded as his judgment was, he couldn’t believe what he was about to say.

“Not here,” he whispered, his brow deeply furrowed.

He broke their intense eye contact to tilt his head up in the direction of the security cameras in the corners of the courtroom. Rollins patted his shoulder, hiding her disappointment. “Maybe you’re not so bad at politics after all.”

Before lunch, they’d stop by his office to drop off the heavy folders in his briefcase. The short walk from the courthouse to One Hogan Place was quiet and it was easy to resort back to how they spent the last six years as friends.

Carisi unlocked the door of his office and let his old partner inside before lazily pushing it closed. She remained by the exit, knowing they would leave again shortly. As he placed his briefcase on his desk, Rollin’s phone pinged from her jacket pocket. She scrolled through her notifications, the most recent a text from her Captain. Sonny left his work and approached her.

“I don’t have as much time as I thought,” she said, still looking down at her phone. “Liv’s got this thing with IAB and Kat just made an arrest and--”

He stepped up in front of her and brought his hands to the sides of her face. Amanda forgot how to breathe, her words trapped in her throat. He paused. His eyes fluttered. The world stopped. He tilted his head to the right, a little more than necessary, to kiss her.

His lower lip shallowly brushed below hers. It was cautious but sweet. The soft suction from his mouth may as well have been a gunshot, the moment so raw, and the room quiet except for the hum of fluorescent lights. He continued to hold her and kept his face close, waiting for her to do or say something, anything. She let out an almost sigh, letting out the pent up air in her lungs, but it didn’t take her long to press up back into him. Rollins hung her fingers on his forearms, her phone still balanced in her palm, and with her tongue permitted him to put thought into action.

Their location and the newness of it all forced tameness, but as the kiss deepened, he couldn’t help but stack himself against her. Amanda stepped back with him against the door, fully clicking it closed. The blinds crunched along her spine. The shield on her waist pressed into his hip and, God, she was perfect.

Rollins didn’t feel like a mother or a cop, she just felt human in the simplest sense, and the quietness was welcomed.

It, however, didn’t last. Her phone buzzed again in her hand, against his arm. Sonny kissed her one more time before pulling away. He rested his forehead against hers and almost went cross-eyed looking down the bridge of her nose to see her smile. Adjusting one of his hands on the side of her face, he let out a breathy laugh.

“I, um, sorry...what were you sayin’?”

“That I gotta go,” she sadly said.

“What a damn shame.”

She bit her lip, tasting him still on her skin. Carisi straightened up, moving his right hand above her shoulder and against the door to create breathing space. It felt familiar, a phantom memory of what could have been if she hadn’t ducked away outside her motel room years ago in West Virginia. The way he looked at her now was more tired but just as warm. So much has changed since then.

“Why don’t you stay over tonight.”

But, not too much.

“That’s a jump. I can’t be that good a kisser.”

“Well, I didn’t say I’d have sex with you,” Rollins teased. She touched the side of his neck and felt him gulp. “But maybe I’d like to. That okay?”

She could lock him in her bedroom after her daughters fell asleep and find out how badly he had longed for her and show him how greatly she appreciated him.

“Y-yeah,” he stuttered. “Yeah, I can make that work.”

Amanda smiled, hummed, and tilted her head against the door. It was fun watching his head spin and the blues in his eyes twist like a kaleidoscope. She let his charm fill her a moment longer before sighing.

“I really do gotta go. Liv’s gonna kill me.”

“Right,” Carisi exhaled.

He swung his arm back to his side and took a full step back from her. The blinds crackled again as she stood up and adjusted her hair. All he could do was watch her and try to believe it wasn’t a dream.

“So...I’ll see you later?” she said to break the silence. He remained quiet as he looked down, shuffled his feet, and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

“Sonny?”

“This is all real, right? You’re serious about this...about me?”

He knew her the best so she understood where it came from. Amanda thought about all of the things he wanted that she hadn’t been ready to emotionally provide, and there he was still waiting.

“Yeah,” she sweetly answered, to keep it simple, but she had never been so sure.

“Okay. Okay, yeah. Well, I, yeah, I’ll be down at the station in about an hour, so...yeah.”

Rollins grinned and turned to leave. She placed her hand on the round doorknob, but hesitated, her fingers grazing the smooth metal without the force to turn it. Instead, she looked back at the ADA in his office - tall, proud, and still red in the face. They exchanged quick verbal goodbyes and she slipped away behind the door he had just held her against.

Once alone, Carisi sat down to switch out files for the rest of his workday. He caught himself smiling, for whatever they were, the woman in the picture on his desk - the only of its kind - felt something when he kissed her. It was a good day, but it had been long since he’d truly been happy. When something other than work affected him.

Later, Amanda would find a wrapped sandwich from the Italian deli on her desk. He had always been so thoughtful, no one suspected a thing. The rest of the day, they kept up the facade despite the longing glances that were all too long each time they passed. However, behind her bedroom door, she kissed him like a stranger she met at a bar to lose herself in for a night, except it was Sonny, and she was found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all so sweet ily, thank you for reading!


	3. Winners & Losers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rollins and Carisi get tipsy in his office after he feels responsible for a victim’s reaction to a case he lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: brief canon mentions of suicide

“Carisi, it’s not your fault.”

Rollins struggled to keep up with him after they made it through the front doors of One Hogan Place. It was quiet and after hours. He didn’t have to pass a physical exam to become a lawyer like his previous career, but his legs were still long and he walked with purpose because he forgot what his was. Carisi was angry - with himself, with the world, and with the son of a bitch he let walk.

It wasn’t for a lack of trying. He’d lost plenty of cases, it was part of the gig, but how could he not feel accountable when hours after a rapist is cleared of all charges, their victim attempts suicide. He dropped the ball. She’d be fine if he hadn’t jumbled his words, or if he asked a different set of questions to secure a guilty verdict. It was a stab at his reputation, but more importantly, a young woman and her family were hurting.

The lock on his office door stuck with the city on the cusp of spring. He wasn’t expecting to come back that day. Amanda’s comforts had little effect and he barged in with an extra vengeance. He flung his briefcase on his desk. It hit with a thud and he reached up to hold his head in his hands. Rollins quietly followed him in. Sonny’s furry never frightened her as her fathers did, but she gave him space.

“I failed her,” he said, turning around, finally addressing her supportive words from the walk over.

“You did the best with what we gave you, it just wasn’t...”

“Enough?”

“The evidence, not you.”

He pursed his lips and looked down. “It’s more than that. It’s like one day I think I got this, the next I can’t convict a dirt-bag we all know is guilty, and his victim is so terrified that she’d ratha’ end her life than live with him free and I...couldn’t put him away.”

Carisi squeezed his eyes shut. His face was pink, hot like his head that he shook. She’d seen his scars and freckles in the most vulnerable and intimate ways, but she wasn’t about to see him cry.

“Don’t...that’s...maybe let’s get out of here for a bit. Get a drink, coffee, something?”

He shook his head, took off his suit jacket, and tossed it on the back of his chair. “I don’t wanna go anywhere, no, I can’t.”

“Okay, well...I...do you want me to stay?”

Carisi sighed.

“Yeah. Close the door,” he said, taking a seat at his desk and nodding towards the exit. “I didn’t say that I couldn’t use a drink.”

Rollins scrunched her face, confused, but obeyed as he bent over in his chair to open the bottom drawer of his desk. He rose with a bottle of single-barrel Kentucky bourbon and a couple of old-fashioned crystal glasses - a congratulatory gift from his promotion, unused.

“I forgot I had this.”

“See, you’re a good ADA,” she said, stepping forward before perching her hip on the corner of his desk. Their previous prosecutors were less subtle.

Carisi smiled a bit and shook his head as he unsealed the liquor bottle. He poured a finger’s worth of bourbon in each glass and handed Amanda one before sitting back in his chair to shoot it straight back. It went down nicer than expected. He looked up at the ceiling as his chest warmed.

“I let our victim down.”

She swirled the brown liquid in her glass. “You didn’t.”

“Then why do I feel guilty? Like I’m somehow responsible.”

He sat up for another pour.

“When something like...that happens to a person and they’re already battling themself...self-destruction...it comes easily. Convicted, not convicted, it feels the same...you’re hurting from everything that brought you to the moment where you decide it’s all too much.”

She continued to play with the bourbon, staring down at how it moved in the glass. Sonny stopped and looked up at her. They were no longer talking about the case. She threw back her drink.

“So, you can’t blame yourself, Dominick.”

He sat in contemplation for a moment. There were things they never talked about because they didn’t need to. He had just joined Manhattan SVU when Rollins testified against her former Captain from Atlanta years after the fact. The reason she moved to New York. How the gambling got so bad. She let down a wall to give him perspective and it humbled him.

“Thank you for that.”

“Sure.”

It would have been as good of a time as any for him to say that he loved her, but he gestured to refill her drink instead. Her face softened and she slid her glass across his desk. Carisi poured taller this time and she sipped it slowly. She’d always considered herself damaged goods, but Sonny knew that it wasn’t her trauma that made her strong, it was how she overcame it time and time again.

He stretched his legs to pull closer to her in the swivel chair. When she put her drink down, he held her hand a moment before kissing her knuckles. “I’m sorry you had to run, but I’m glad it was here.”

“God, and you’re not even drunk yet,” she laughed, shaking her head. As her addiction proved, she never had good luck, but it was like she won the lottery without even trying. “Let’s not talk about me anymore.”

Carisi shrugged and squeezed her hand before letting it go to finally refill his glass. He took a swig before lounging in his chair. The bolts in the back creaked. With his free hand, he loosened his tie. They’d be there a while.

Amanda adjusted to fully sit on his desk. Her feet floated off the floor and she switched crossing one ankle over the other as they drank, laughed, and forgot.

“This is good stuff. I think my head’s actually a little cleara’,” Carisi said, searching for the last drop of liquor in his glass from a third pour.

She flipped her hair. “Well, that would be a first.”

“Hey,” he playfully scolded, his accent thick and slow.

“Hey, _what_...councilor,” Rollins taunted.

He pushed himself out of the chair and took a swing of a step in her direction. She uncrossed her ankles as he molded his hands over the tops of her thighs and bent to be eye level with her. The most dangerous thing about Dominick Carisi was how devilishly charming he became after a couple of drinks.

“Ya know, Rollins,” he slurred. “I’d pay your sitter triple...quadruple if I could take ya home for a couple’a hours.”

Amanda wet her lips and scraped them with her teeth as she laughed in her throat. One by one, she looped her arms around his neck.

“Yeah, okay, big shot,” she giggled. The toe of her boot touched the back of his calf, inviting him closer. “But, we gotta wait a little bit. I can’t drive like this, I’d have to arrest us both.”

With a smirk, he stepped between her knees and moved his hands to her waist, bunching the lightweight sweater in his palms.

“I’m good with that.”

The hushed and rustic tone in his voice made her writhe. Amanda lifted her knee to tap against the belt around his hips. He was her plaything that she wasn’t playing. It would have been as good of a time as any…

_Bringg, bringg._

The landline’s sound from the other side of Carisi’s desk made him flinch - how engrossed, intimate and tunnel-visioned the 20-year aged bourbon made them both. His heart raced with anxiety being tipsy in his office and in between the thighs of the detective who no one knew he called home. She looked at him with wide eyes, more amused. The phone continued to ring. When he finally decided to answer it, Amanda unhooked her arms and trailed her fingertips down his sleeves. He cleared his throat and stuttered his name.

It was the Captain with an update. The victim from his earlier loss was stabilized. She survived her efforts. A weight was lifted that he forgot was there. As he nodded along, Amanda delicately fiddled with the end of his tie. The call extinguished the fire in his eyes and mentally sobered him.

“Sounds like good news,” Rollins said, her eyes following as he returned the phone to its base. She had been close enough to vaguely hear her boss on the other end.

“Yeah,” he sighed, drumming his fingertips against the sides of her thighs where they fell naturally.

Rollins touched his cheek and tilted her head sympathetically. “You did everything you could. It’s out of your hands.”

She looked up at him so lovingly that he felt like the lucky one, having a companion so beautiful and wise - how easily she could ground him during a haze of anger and frustration. The alcohol helped, but she too coursed through his veins. Sonny’s face relaxed. He took a deep breath and wrapped his arms around her back.

“That's right...”

She straightened her spine in his hold and moved to perch her hands on his chest that he pulled her in to.

A sly grin. A tipsy sway. He brought his face close enough to kiss her, but didn’t. “...you are, and, Amanda...you’re my best win yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are all so sweet, thank you <3\. I'm not sure when I'll have the next one up but hopefully, we get some Rollisi in 2021.


	4. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Hasim Khaldun is invited back to consult on a case, Carisi’s jealousy gets the best of him and it forces Rollins to be honest about their relationship.

Sonny wouldn’t dare call Amanda Rollins his girlfriend, but she absolutely was. Their relationship status at work was on a need to know basis. For his boss, it was another inconvenience from the outside looking in, but Olivia Benson was happy to do the paperwork - a full circle of sorts. Everyone else just made assumptions. They called it “Dating” for the record, but that wasn’t right either. People date to get to know each other, and not only had they never been on a proper date, but they were already a family.

Still, their relationship was a new planet discovered without a name, and he just orbited happily not wanting to disrupt the atmosphere. Theoretically, there was nothing to question. It was just the two of them. She kissed him hello and always looked disappointed to see him leave. In a more conventional relationship, he’d know exactly where they stood, but she was his universe, and like the scientists, he didn’t have all the answers.

During quiet periods, sometimes they’d spend time together in the bullpen, her office. Sonny surprised her with a coffee and she sipped it slowly while pulling DMV records. It had been a tough week and it was only Tuesday. Carisi sat at his old desk, yet to be filled, and leaned back in the chair to rest his eyes, his own coffee long gone.

She peered behind her drink. “Do you want me to wake you?”

“Only if Ms. Hadid comes by,” he responded, eyes still closed, as he loosely folded his arms across his chest. She playfully shook her head and set her coffee down to return to work.

“Hey! Amanda, it’s good to see you.”

She placed the voice of the Transit Bureau Sargent before he stepped up to her desk. Sonny opened one eye and then the other and sat up slowly.

“Hasim...hi, what...brings you?”

“Your Captain thought I could provide some insight on a couple of cases - told me to stop by.”

“ _How nice_ ,” Sonny mumbled.

She shot him a look, but he wasn’t looking at her.

“Would you wanna get lunch or something after? I’d love to catch up, there’s this great new--”

Carisi stood up. “Captain's in her office. You shouldn’t keep her waitin’."

“Sonny.”

Khaldun shifted. “I’m sorry, Cardoni was it?”

“Carisi. ADA Carisi,” he said. Sonny looked up and down at the other man in jeans and a checkered button-down. “Officer.”

“ _Sargent_.”

“Yeah, alright, whateva'.”

Rollins stood up even though she wanted to disappear. “Okay…”

Before Khaldun could respond, the phone Carisi had left on Rollins’ desk rang beneath them. The three in a triangle looked down and after the second ring, the ADA snatched the device, actively reaching between Amanda and the Sargent, and turned away to take the call.

Hasim crossed his arms over his chest and smirked. “So the rumors are true.”

She bashfully smiled and half-shrugged, looking over Hasim's shoulder. "Probably."

Carisi grabbed his briefcase, still half on the phone. “Amanda, I gotta go.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Text me ‘bout tonight, yeah?”

“Sure.”

The prosecutor turned to go, but stopped himself and took a long step towards Khaldun. “I’ve worked far too hard and long to get here,” he growled, raising a finger. “Don’t...screw up my convictions. ”

Sonny glanced at Amanda, slowly turning on his heels to leave. He got back on the phone and quickly walked out.

“Wow,” Khaldun laughed, and she couldn't say a thing.

Rollins was stuck between wanting to defend Sonny and agreeing with who threatened him so. She’d seen the jealous side of him before, and the crassness was a part of his charm, but the possessiveness threw her off.

It bothered her all day to the point where she didn’t text him out of spite. Between meetings and court, the irrational part of him thought he lost her - swept away by an old flame because he was too busy or not exciting anymore. He had envied any man she smiled at for many years, but never could justify jealousy until now.

She wanted him to apologize, or at least realize he was in the wrong and text her first, but he didn’t, so after her shift, Amanda went to his office. Already on eggshells, she how he'd react or if he was even there. She’d done nothing wrong...except maybe avoid him.

Carisi’s door was wide open and he was working. Morrissey softly played from his computer. He kept engaged in his notes longer than he noticed her standing here.

“How was lunch?” he coldly asked, eyes still down.

“I was hoping you’d be over that. For the record, I ate alone.”

“Good. I’ve neva’ had a good feelin’ about him, Rollins.”

“You’re being ridiculous. He’s a good cop, a good guy. You know we were only fake married, right?”

He put his pen down, stopped the music, and looked up at her, irritated at the praise. “No, no, I see somethin’. Considering I chased you for years, it’s no surprise you don’t see it too.”

Amanda's brow furrowed. “Carisi, I...you’re...okay, fine, you want the whole truth? Maybe something was there, I don’t know. We went out to eat a couple of times...I helped him with the undercover work, but that was...over a year ago, we lost touch.”

She stepped closer to him.

“And, my fake couple story with him...was that not familiar? I looked you dead in the eyes about working with someone for years, thinking they’re smart, attractive...then switching jobs, having feelings, all that.”

He’d been more focused on how happy she looked with someone else - holding his hand, batting her eyelashes - even if she was pretending.

“So, I’m actually the jerk here.”

“Yeah, you are. What is it, you don’t trust me?”

“That’s...not it.”

“Then, what? Help me understand here.”

He bit the insides of his cheeks and hung his head for a moment before running his hand down the length of the tie around his neck to lift his body.

“Well, alright. Alright. I...love you, Amanda, okay? I love you and I’ve been in love with you for a long time...longer than we’ve been doing this, and it’s great, it’s fun, but it took seven years to get here, I’m almost 40...I don’t even know what to introduce you as, and you’re...you’re the love of my life.”

It was a lot to take in, his guts before her, bleeding what Pepto Bismol could never settle, and he worried about the mess. He expected a rejection, a flight, but she was sorrowful.

“How...how could you think I don’t feel the same.”

He swallowed hard. “I can’t read your mind.”

“I can’t remember the last time I said...that to someone, let alone mean it, or called someone my...anything, but Sonny... _Dominick_ , I share my bed with you, you’re like a father to my girls, I let you do all these dumb things for me because I know it makes you happy...I don’t know what else you need.”

No one else was screwing it up but himself. He was selfish, jealous, and he hurt her, despite the declaration.

“I’m sorry.”

“Good.”

Carisi took a deep breath and she looked away from him. He fiddled with the pen and papers on his desk as he reflected on the lengthy conversation that caused the silence.

“You were really thinkin’ about me back then?”

She forced back a smile and continued to look around him. “God, you’re dense.”

“Can I make it up to you? Let me take you out for dinner tonight...like a real sit down, just the two of us."

She hummed and rocked on her heels. “I could use a good steak.”

“Anywhere you want,” he laughed. “Let me just finish this trial prep.”

Rollins nodded quietly, and he returned to his work. She paced his office once before sitting across from him, a white flag of sorts. He glimpsed up to acknowledge her and she simply sat there, watching as he flipped through papers. It had been him since before she sat there for the first time, the extra chair in his office.

“Dom?” Amanda called quietly.

“Yeah?” You pick a place?” he mindlessly asked, nose down.

“No, I…,” she started, staring at his hands. “I do love you,” a glance up, “...partner.”

He stopped, smiled, and picked up his head. His tired eyes had grown soft, brain quiet. Still smiling, Sonny quietly sighed and nodded. He’d put his foot in his mouth enough that day, and by the way she twisted her wrist in her lap, he wouldn’t cheapen her courage.

Carisi closed his appointment book. “Sparks could be nice.”

“I was kidding,” she laughed, still feeling vulnerable. He stood from behind his desk, and she copied. “I’m not dressed for a place like that.”

“Nonsense, you look beautiful,” he said, coming around to her side. “Plus, I’ve got this little marinara stain on my tie from lunch, so I’ll be the fool no matter what.”

He cupped the long garment in his hand and shifted it so the light caught the pinprick of a foreign glisten. She wasn’t convinced. Carisi bent his neck to catch her eyes.

“C'mon...we’ve done this all backward, you know. I owe you a nice date. The real Sonny Carisi experience.”

Amanda scoffed and playfully shook her head. “That’s probably been in your best interest,” she teased, bumping his stomach with the back of her hand. “But, okay.”

He rose to kiss her forehead before tilting his head towards the door. Carisi stepped into the main hallway, circling wider to walk by her side, and he switched the briefcase that he carried to his non-dominant hand. The hair that framed her face bounced as she walked and behind the loose waves, dangled the little gold earrings she always wore.

Another step, Amanda looked up at her admirer, and he brushed the back of his hand against hers with purpose. She kept her wrist still and Sonny pulled her hand closer. He slid his palm into hers, intertwining their fingers and locking his around her dainty knuckles. She smiled quietly to herself, butterflies dancing in her gut that she discounted for hunger.

The cop and the lawyer with no large winter coats to conceal where they connected, walked through the halls of One Hogan Place. It was strange. It was lovely. They passed a clerk and he swung their arms gently - happy, beaming, and confidence restored because she loved him enough to let their world see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kind words <3 those NYE promo pics have me dying!!!


	5. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carisi takes care of Rollins after she’s seriously harmed during a domestic violence call, which brings up old wounds and conversations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow thank you for getting this to 100+ kudos...and for your kind kind words, I'm blown away! This one got a little long...it's a bit of a homage to "Must Be Held Accountable".

As an ADA, Carisi’s phone rang constantly, but in court, there were fewer interruptions because his list of most frequent callers were often in the same building. When his phone vibrated in his pocket for five minutes during a series of arraignments, he knew it wasn’t an overzealous defense attorney looking for a deal; something was wrong. His voice staggered. He drummed his fingers against the podium. When it was John Buchanan's time to speak - _no flight risk, outstanding citizen, yadda yadda_ -Carisi attempted to subtly check his lock screen from his hip. It was a wall of Amanda.

“Are you with us, Mr. Carisi?”

The prosecutor gulped and picked up his head. “Y-yes, your honor. My apologies.”

There was a shuffle in the gallery. Sonny looked back to see his old boss step out of the courtroom with her phone to her ear. His own had stopped ringing, but there was a phantom effect against his leg that he had a hard time letting go of.

Next case. Captain Benson hadn’t returned. Carisi compartmentalized, but resisting catastrophizing wore him down. Was Amanda okay? Were the girls okay? His cool exterior was a shell of a man, and inside his stomach churned.

The vibrations started again, but shorter, infrequent. He wished he hadn’t looked the first time but he wouldn’t dare test the judge’s patience again. It was all politics and he hated that it prevented him peace of mind. 

After bail was decided for his last case, Sonny quickly left the courtroom to avoid anyone stopping him to talk. He pulled his phone out and dusted through the notifications, hoping for a quick, logical explanation to put his heart at ease. She had called seven times, left a voicemail, and sent a spew of vague texts that told him nothing, the most recent:

_> I’m at your office. They let me in._

Her captain had sent her home, Finn even offered to drive her, but her home was empty, and _God Damn It_ she wanted her partner, her _boyfriend_ \- to be held and comforted the way only Dominick could. 

_< Leaving now srry :(_

Rollins was relieved to hear back from him, knowing she probably scared him...but in the aftermath of being so scared herself, it only made sense to keep calling him even though deep down she knew he couldn’t answer. The one voicemail she left was from the back of an ambulance on the scene. She refused to go to the hospital. Nothing was broken, her vitals checked out - she’d process later that her life could have been taken from her. 

It felt strange to be in Sonny’s office without him. While it was a place Amanda felt safe, she had too much adrenaline to sit down. Her whole body hurt. She was afraid of what she’d look like in the morning and how she’d explain it to her daughters. Her eye and neck were already visibly swollen, the blood pooling underneath, red slowly fading to purple and yellow.

She and Tamin had gone out on a domestic violence call. Two of the children in the house were in immediate danger. There was no time for backup, so the detective and officer intervened and Rollins got into a struggle with the aggressor. A man twice her size hit her in the face and held her up against a wall by the throat until she almost blacked out...until Kat had her first good shooting on the job.

There wasn’t a step of hesitation when Carisi opened the door to his office, but when Amanda turned around, he stopped dead in his tracks. His face dropped. His eyes widened, he stopped breathing and just stared.

“Amanda, I... _honey_ …”

“I’m okay,” she swallowed. Her voice was hoarse. His reaction made it real.

Carisi quickly shut the door and took a wide step to meet her. He went to touch her but was afraid she would shatter. “What...what happened?” 

“We went out on a DV call…it got heated, I got hit, and...”

She took a deep shuttered breath, tilting her head up, unable to look at him. The discolored skin under her jaw caught his attention and Sonny bent at his knees for a better look. He’d seen strangulation marks a thousand times, at homicide at SVU, but that was his _girl_ and someone put their hands around her neck. He took a step back. Some low-life son of a bitch put their hands around her neck. He turned red.

“Who-who did this...I can get a warrant, I’ll get one now, I’ll call in every favor I...who - I’ll take him down, locked up foreva’, I swear to God.”

She held her head. “That-that’s...not necessary, Kat--”

“Oh, so Kat let this happen to you? Rollins if someone laid a finger on you when I was a cop, when we were partners, I woulda killed someone. I’d lose my badge.”

“She...did, he’s…,” Amanda closed her eyes. “Please, stop.”

Carisi took a deep breath and the heat in his face diffused. She was so upset and he was too emotional to say the right thing so he stopped talking. 

Her breath squeaked in an attempt to put together her thoughts. “Sonny, I-I wasn’t sure I was gonna make it out...like my girls’ worst nightmares come true.”

She blinked down the first tears. Who would have helped him grieve - the loss of her and her daughters to their bloodlines. Her bad eye burned. She remembered her blurry vision as hands that smelled of dirt choked her because her eyes were playing the same tricks as she stood safe in Sonny’s office. 

“Why don’t...why don’t you sit down. Take my chair. Please.”

She let out a little cry, and her breathing became labored.

“Okay...it’s alright. C’mere,” he whispered, opening his arms.

She soberly walked into his torso and rested her cheek in the crevasse of his tie and jacket, clutching the other lapel in her hand. Sonny gingerly wrapped his arms around her. She was always strong, but how she shrunk in his hold reminded him how fragile life could be and how it was a miracle he left the force relatively unscathed. 

The pressure behind his neck eased as she moved her arms behind his back, under his jacket. “And I thought of you,” she weakly mumbled into his chest. “How sad you were when Dodds passed away and--”

Sonny shushed her and curved the top of his spine into her, holding her tighter. He hadn’t visited his friend in a while. It was a healed scar forced open with the thought of carrying her casket too. 

She cried into his shoulder, and he rocked her gently, rubbing her back, and planting gentle kisses behind her ear each time she gasped for air.

“I’m gonna cancel the rest of my day and take you home, okay?” he said into her hair. 

“Okay,” she managed.

He pulled away and swore her eye and neck were darker, and anger flooded him again. If she wasn’t so fragile he’d probably put another dent in his filing cabinet. Instead, he picked up his office phone to call his boss. Carisi half expected to fight and defend his decision, but word traveled fast and Hadid was empathetic. He’d have to jump on a call later and keep an eye out for an important e-mail or two, but otherwise, he was off the hook.

It was like deja vu - Amanda sitting on the passenger side of her car as Sonny took too long to adjust her seat like when Bucci took her, an almost comfort that he’d been there like this before. She could do nice after all. As they drove, she avoided her reflection in the car mirrors because if she looked too close she’d see her mother.

Rollin’s apartment was quiet. Frannie came trotting to the door, and only Sonny gave the dog a friendly pat. In a few hours, her nanny would bring Jesse and Billie home from school. She took off her jacket but was at a loss what to do next. 

“How you doin’? Can I go out and get’cha anythin’?”

“I don’t know.”

“...to which?”

“I just want my girls here,” she sighed.

“I know. How about we fix you up a bit before then, huh? Get some more ice for that eye...a bath, maybe? That sounds nice.”

Amanda shrugged.

“Yeah, yeah, you’ll feel better...and when Jesse and Billie get home I’ll handle it, you know, what to tell them...and I’ll order that Chinese food you really like...and we’ll just have a quiet night all together, okay?”

Rollins almost started crying again. She nodded and let her sweet partner guide her to the kitchen. Sonny constructed a makeshift ice pack out of a bag of expired frozen peas - who else could let frozen vegetables expire, but Amanda - and a dishtowel. The cold felt good against her swollen face. 

He left her in the kitchen to take off his suit jacket, vest, and tie and laid them on her bed. He slept on the couch the last time she let him take care of her without a fight. 

When Rollins heard the water running, she followed the sound, slowly, her vision impaired by vegetables and the spinning in her head. In her tiny bathroom, Sonny lazily rested his hip against the pedestal sink, his sleeves unevenly pushed to his elbows and arms half folded as he scrolled through his phone. She was so quiet that only the shifting of the peas got him out of the screen. 

“Hey...thought I’d get you started. I gotta take that call soon.”

“Thanks.”

“Better than waiting in my office, right?”

A slight smile. “Yeah.”

He stood up, “I’ll, uh, leave you to it.”

“Stay.”

He didn’t dare argue. Amanda walked past him and handed off the damp towel. As the water continued to fill the tub, she tested the temperature, adjusted the faucet, and added bath products. For a moment she watched suds rise to the surface before pulling her knit blouse over her head. 

As she continued to undress, Carisi kept his thoughts to himself, seeing additional defensive wounds on her arms and ribs. He turned to sit on the closed lid of the toilet and was relieved to find the fragrant and sudsy water covered the additional sores. Amanda sank further into the bath, her head against the back tile and her face to the man across from her fumbling with an old, melted bag of peas.

Amanda shifted her knees to the outer side of the tub. He picked his head up, then his shoulders. Sonny offered her the towel again, but she declined. Hers was a body he loved, he cherished, one strong enough to bring children into the world - maybe one day his own - and the reddish-purple patches mocked him.

He clicked his tongue. “I know it’s your job...and this stuff happens, hell, I know better than anyone else...but I can’t separate Detective Rollins from Amanda right now and I see you like this and I’m still so fucking angry I don’t know what to do.”

She blinked slowly. “What you’re doing now’s good.”

Sonny’s face softened, one side of his mouth curving as he quietly sighed. Despite being feet away, he decided he needed to be closer. He gently tossed his phone on the floor and awkwardly stretched and bent his legs into the small space that the bathmat covered, using the side of the linoleum for leverage.

Before settling on the floor, he nestled the bridge of his nose in her hair, smoothed her displaced locks, and kissed above her temple. He plopped down next to the bathtub wall, then folded his arms at the top and rested his cheek down. She reached over her stomach to hold onto his forearm.

“But...where was all this after Bucci took me?” she asked with a half-smile, her tone light, just to take the sadness out of his breath.

His eyebrows raised. “I, uh...oh, you mean me, crazy feelin's for you, watchin’ ya undress for the first time and then just sittin’ here?”

“Sure,” she sweetly laughed, but he knew that’s not what she meant. He had taken care of her like a good friend, nothing more.

“It would have been selfish. I didn’t wanna hurt you.”

Amanda stroked his arm with her thumb. “I think I maybe fell in love with you that day.”

He looked at peace, but for just a moment. Their sweet haze was interrupted by his phone vibrating loudly against the floor - like how all of this started. He squeezed his eyes shut.

“It’s okay,” she softly said, freeing him.

Sonny opened his eyes, picked his head up, and unfolded his arms to cup her unmarked cheek in his palm. “They can wait.”

He sat up straight and leaned into the tub to kiss her as to say _I'm choosing you_. There would be a day where he no longer practiced law - when he wouldn’t wear a suit every day and the white hair around his temples would spread, and on the day she may never have gone on to see that through with him, Amanda was the only person of the people of New York that mattered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I going to need to up the rating of this story for the next one so...um...see you then ;) <3


	6. Trial Prep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rollins helps Carisi get out of his head before court (18+).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter I changed the rating for...call it a heavy implication. Thanks for reading <3

The death and pain Carisi saw as a detective never made him sick like prosecuting the same cases did. Yesterday, the defense poked a giant hole in his argument and with the trial coming to a close he stressed about getting the jury back on his side. It was Amanda’s case, her arrest, his character witness. Putting her on the stand made him uneasy to begin with - as everyone watched him extra hard waiting for a slip - and he’d have to do it again to save the conviction.

In his office, they did one last run at her cross-examination before trial. She sensed his uneasiness and it was confirmed when he opened his desk drawer and broke the seal of a new bottle of Pepto-Bismol. She furrowed her brow at the sharp crinkle of plastic.

“You alright?” she asked.

He gulped down a swig. “Yes...no...I don’t know.”

“It’s almost over.”

Carisi stood up to toss the plastic seal in the trash. “I should have seen that trick Calhoun pulled a mile away. I was up all night trying to dig myself out.”

“I know,” she softly said. Amanda remembered getting up in the middle of the night for a glass of water and he was on the couch, ankle-deep in the files he brought home. Sometimes she could lure him back to bed when he worked too hard - keep him awake but offer a piece of herself for a change of pace. Last night she only sat with him for a few minutes in the living room and started a new pot of coffee to keep him company instead before going back to bed. “Is there anything I can do?”

“I think I got it. I hope. I just need to get out of my head.”

Maybe there was something. Rollins looked down to the side before uncrossing her legs to rise from her chair. She swung her hip around his desk to where he stood next to the little office trash can and a stack of file storage boxes. Reaching her hand up behind his neck, she swayed into his lean stature.

“Let me help.”

As she peeled her heels off the ground, Amanda pulled his head down and smoothly moved in to firmly kiss his unexpecting lips. His eyebrows jumped and breath escaped his nose, but he quickly reciprocated and smiled against her mouth. He tasted like chalky mint, and it neutralized the longer she kissed him into a familiar sourness. She ran her hands down his chest, his stomach, and then hooked her fingers under his waistband.

“Amanda,” he mumbled, scrunching his neck back. “Amanda, I gotta be in court in 30 minutes.”

“I can getcha out in ten,” she purred, rolling her head, batting her eyelashes, and pulling his hips closer.

Sonny swallowed a lump in his throat but welcomed the return of her short wet embraces. He felt something other than the anxiety work brought, the sand slowly falling into the other side of the hourglass. When he finally touched her waist, she bounced down from her tiptoes to walk back and lock the already closed door of his office.

“Amanda,” he repeated, but lower.

She grinned and tightened the blinds. His teeth got caught on his lip as he shook his head. Carisi put his hands on his hips and popped out the joint like an invitation his mind had no say in. She stepped back up to him and rested her fingertips on his stomach in between the frame of his knuckles.

“You’re killing me.”

“Just say stop and I will,” she reminded him.

“See, I don’t want’cha to stop,” he said, taking a hand off of his hip to touch her cheek. “But I have a hard enough time putting you on the stand without thinking ‘bout what that pretty mouth can do.”

She smirked, her body filling with heat. “You’re not helping yourself.”

“No, I am not.”

She hummed and continued to look up at him as she thumbed at the button of his pants. What else could he possibly prepare? Carisi had thought nothing about this case for 24-hours and she was so eager to help put a stop to his self-destruction, the self-sabotage - maybe he could be a little selfish. He let the less than subtle teasing rock of her pelvis into his groin, that already had him a little bothered, replace the thoughts of his closing argument.

Gripping the corners of his jacket, he flipped the sides over his shoulders and pulled himself out of the sleeves. Her fiddling hands undid the button and slid down the expensive zipper of his pants before letting her dominant hand slip through the teeth. His lungs emptied as she stroked him and held his building erection in her palm over the cotton that held him back. He tilted her chin up to kiss her, deeper, his tongue sweeping hers, as his blood continued to focus between her fingers.

“Sit,” she mumbled into his mouth.

Amanda always had such power over him and she put it to good use.

Carsi lunged awkwardly into his office chair and sat back, keeping his knees wide, his grin wider. She leaned over his lap and braced herself on the armrests of the chair, showing off the lust in her eyes before floating between his thighs - a fulfillment that never got old. _Her._

She balanced most of her weight on her good knee and flipped her hair out of her face to quickly unbutton out of the way his shirt and vest. He adjusted his seat and sat up slightly as she pulled the thick elastic band of his boxer-briefs down his hips, over his cock. She curved her fingers one by one around him and twisted along his length once before drawing a line up with her tongue. Once at his head, she left sloppy wet kisses and his breaths deepened with her movements.

Sonny raked a hand through her hair and then the other to hold her loosely waved highlighted strands behind her head - a thoughtfulness opposed to control. She looked up at him and dragged her lower lip off the roundest edge of the pink tip. He groaned, cursed quietly, and captured the sweet intimacy of her piercing eyes staring deep into him from below, her hands around his dick, a goddess, an angel, a daydream.

She had time, but not forever. Amanda planted one more affectionate kiss before leaning forward to slowly swallow him whole, her throat full, his head clear. How funny it was to love someone that much.

***

With her two daughters, they were professionals at discretion - biting tongues, muffled sighs, whispered declarations, swallowing evidence. From his desk chair, Carisi caught his breath with his eyes closed and his face towards the ceiling. He hadn’t a clue about time, space...law, just the quiet osmosis from below against his sensitized skin as she sucked him dry.

With Sonny, it was fun to be a giver by choice. His cock began to soften in her hands and satisfied with her clean-up job, Amanda moved to rest her head on the top of his thigh. He opened his eyes and sat up slightly to hover over her, smoothing down the remaining pieces of her hair in his palms.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

Rollins laughed through her nose and glanced at his face through her eyelashes with a grin. “Sure.”

She picked up her head, patted his leg, and used his knees to push up to her feet. “Come on, pants up, you’re gonna be late.”

He twisted his mouth into a smirk and shook his head before standing up to put his suit back together. She’d fix herself up better before getting on the stand, but she checked for any major issues - like their prosector’s cum hanging off her lips - with the front-facing camera on her phone

“I’m good, right?” she asked, lowering the device.

Carisi finished tucking in his shirt and tidied the vest on top before looking up and squinting at her face. “Yeah, yeah, ah, wait…”

“What?”

He stepped up closer. “Look up, stay still.”

Sonny gently pressed the pad of his fingertip to the ridge of her eye socket and pulled back with a single fiber adhered to the end. “Eyelash.”

She shook her head and laughed. “Thanks. Are you ready?”

“Hang on, Rollins...you gotta make a wish.”

“I...you’re serious.”

He smiled. “C’mon.”

She’d be offended if he didn’t feel slightly better, but she saw a glimpse of a Sonny who hadn’t been much around since his detective days ended. Rollins tilted her head a couple of times before blowing the little mascara coated eyelash off his finger. It felt more shameful than crawling under his desk, but she wished for a jury who found him just as charming and for a verdict he thought fair. What else could she ask for?

They’d face each other again an hour later - his character witness, the prettiest woman he’d ever ask to the stand. Once again every eye in the courtroom watched him a little harder, but he asked his questions, he did his job. She could barely tell that earlier from her knees she had him whimpering. It went almost as they practiced. Carisi thanked her again, but this time just for her testimony.

He gave his closing argument and after three hours the jury came back to find the defendant guilty on all but one count. It was more than he could have asked for based on how the last couple of days went for him. He looked back to the gallery. Sitting between Captain Benson and Detective Tamin, Rollins smiled back at him, sharing his satisfaction and surpise as the judge gave the final orders.

The courtroom emptied and the group approached him.

“I gotta admit, Carisi,” Benson remarked, “I’m relieved and surprised that I’ll be calling folks with good news later.”

“Well I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night,” Sonny chuckled, picking up his briefcase. He turned, took a step towards them, and nodded towards Amanda. “But, it was really a team effort.”

Carisi always said cheeky outlandish things, but his hint of a smirk made her eyebrows raise. She blinked the emotion out of her face, tolerating the subtle comment because no one noticed her blush. He put a hand between her shoulder blades as they walked down the aisle of the gallery to leave. Sonny was exhausted, tired from the restless night and the hormones he suppressed with caffeine to stay sharp. He looked forward to catching up on sleep, but at home, he’d take her to bed first - an appreciation to the perfect witness everyone said didn’t exist.


	7. Faithfully

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When One Hogan Place is subject to an active shooter, Carisi reacts like a cop, not a lawyer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got a little long whoops. I feel like I virtually met so many of you during the hiatus which has been a pleasure, so once again thank you so much for reading and for your kind words. Enjoy!!

Carisi was lucky enough to never be seriously injured during his years with the NYPD. Even at the end of his closest calls, Sonny ended up home, alone, except for the company of the trauma a near-death experience brought. While there were periodical threats to members of the District Attorney’s office, otherwise it was the safest job he’d had in years.

It was a quiet afternoon in Carisi’s office. He’d planned on sneaking out to surprise Amanda with a big fancy coffee for her late-night on call and then he’d go home - their home - make dinner, put her daughters to bed, and wait for their mother to make it back. He looked at the newly added photograph of the two of them on his desk from Fin and Phoebe’s wedding. She was so pretty that night, like every night, really, but for once she felt it. Sonny got lost in how so - the girls at home, and her all to himself in a room upstate they’d never sleep in again and how he got his West Virginia...

Three loud pops made him jump. Bangs. Two more. Gunshots. Carisi froze. Bang.

There was an active shooter in Hogan Place.

The door to his office was already closed. He jumped up to lock it and turned off the lights like all of those corporate memos said, before returning to his desk. A woman yelled. Two more shots - closer. With shaky hands, he picked up his phone.

A couple of hours had passed since Rollins started her shift. Hunched over at her computer, squinting at the screen, she was busy pulling DMV records for a case. Next to her hand on the mouse, her phone buzzed twice. After she finished copying a set of folders to her desktop she lazily tapped at her lock screen to view the notifications. Two short messages from Sonny:

_> I’m ok_   
_> I love you_

Her head tilted in confusion and she picked up her phone to search for context that she had maybe missed earlier.

“Turn up the radio,” someone said.

Amanda turned in her chair and listened to the dispatch. There was an active shooter in Hogan Place.

“Oh, God,” she whispered, barely audible as she brought a hand to her chest. She blinked a couple of times in shock before shifting to text him back:

_< Stay safe I’m coming_

There wasn’t anything Rollins could realistically do, but he was out there, Dominick, her _civilian_ , less than half a mile away in danger. She grabbed her raincoat from the back of her chair and bolted away from her desk. The threat of an active shooter was rarely longer than the time that had passed and the time it would take to get to his office, but she needed to be there no matter the outcome.

It was raining harder than earlier, the city slick, gray, and dark. Amanda splashed her way through Lower Manhattan, a route she took often but it never felt so long, even though she was rushing.

From inside his office, the gunshots had ceased. It was quiet except for a single distanced voice calling for help. Had he still been a cop, he wouldn’t have second-guessed following the sound, but he wasn’t a cop anymore. He was a lawyer without a badge or gun, just as vulnerable as anyone else in the building, but with the experience of enforcement.

The voice stopped, but it haunted him. Carisi drummed his fingers against his thigh. The safest thing to do would be to stay put - sit in his office with the door locked and lights down until help arrived - but it was against his instinct, how he worked for years to help people. He stood up. Against his judgment as a prosecutor, Sonny left his office.

Hogan Street was already blocked off by the time Amanda got to the grid behind the courthouse. The streets reflected with red and blue, familiar faces on the scene. People were displaced and confused all while trying to cover from the downpour. Detective Rollins crossed through the barriers with her badge, but could only wait and listen. Rain dripped down from the brim of the hood on her jacket. She fiddled with the chain around her neck behind her private waterfall waiting to know if she would drown.

Carisi walked heel to toe, keeping his head low, through the open floor plan that preceded his office. He passed feet and knees under desks and prayed he wasn’t making a big mistake that would cost someone else their life. There were taps at the door to the main hallway, where the earlier gunshots came from. Sonny reached to his belt for a weapon that no longer sat there as he slowly opened the door.

At his feet was Vanessa Hadid, the woman who gave him a chance and never let him forget it. Her shoulder was injured, bleeding, and it was the first time he'd ever seen her vulnerable. She had pulled herself closer to the set of offices for safety but had lost her adrenaline. Carisi swung his jacket off and kneeled by her side

“Ms. Hadid? Ms. Hadid, it’s Carisi,” he whispered, folding his jacket and holding it to where the blood came from. Red seeped up the sleeves of his white button-down. “You’re gonna be alright.”

Outside, Amanda shook from being cold, damp, and anxious. More shots were fired from inside the building. She squeezed her eyes shut and put a hand over her mouth, muffling a quiet cry. He texted that he loved her. Dominick said that he loved her and she forgot to say it back. For all of the years of back and forth that it took for her to feel the same, admit the same, she forgot to say it back.

The gunshots had echoed in the hall. They weren’t close, Carisi didn’t think they were close, but as footsteps approached he gulped and looked forward, his hands still holding his blazer to Hadid’s shoulder. _I’m sorry Amanda. I should have known better._

But it was help - first responders. Relief swept like a hurricane through his veins. He put a hand up to not pose a threat out of habit and Sonny was freed from the responsibility of whether his boss lived or died.

Amanda was able to get closer. The threat was neutralized, the most recent gunshots from the SWAT team. People started to exit the building and she frantically scanned the crowd for one black suit in a group of many that blended with the gray cast the rain brought.

Carisi exited the building. He said thank you to the officer that led him out and patted his thighs, realizing he left his phone on his desk.

“Sonny? _Dominick_!”

He turned his head and followed the voice, the light of the dark of the day, and she met him in the crowd in the middle of the blocked-off street covered in a film of water. His white button-down became dappled gray and it stuck to his skin. The red on his sleeve caught her eyes and she reached for his hands, trying to find the source.

“You’re hurt?”

“No. No, not mine.”

She moved her shaking hands to his face. His cheeks were warm, but he was stoic. “I’m not used to worrying about you like that. We’ve probably been in much worse together but...”

He gulped. “Yeah, I-I know.”

The gel in his hair began to lose its hold. Strands folded over onto his forehead and created a second stream of water droplets that fell to the tip of his nose.

“You’re alright, though?” Rollins asked, resetting his hairline back with her palm.

He pursed his lips and nodded. “Just...glad to be back by your side, partner.”

His eyes looked damp, but everything was. They’d talk about whatever he went through later. All that mattered was that he could still feel the rain.

Hogan Place would unofficially open back up to the people that worked there. Those who could were told to go home. Rumors floated around that the gunman was related to a homicide case from a month ago, someone seeking a twisted justice that the DA’s office couldn’t fulfill. Hadid and four others were taken to the hospital.

Sonny sheltered at the precinct with Amanda until the scene was cleared. Her night shift was graciously covered and she took them back to pick up his belongings before driving home. She was surprised to see his office in pristine condition, no signs of a struggle or any connection to the blood on his sleeves.

“Were you not in here when it happened?” Rollins asked, tracing the edge of his desk with her finger.

“I was...but I left. I left to help someone.”

“ _You left_? she snapped. “What do you mean you left? During an active shooting? Have you lost your mind?”

He stopped what he was doing.

“I couldn’t just stay here, Amanda, and it ended up being Ms. Hadid. You’re still a cop, what would you have done?”

She blinked at him. “Exactly. You’re not anymore. No one expects you to be a hero...you had one job after that first gunshot was fired and that was to survive.”

“And I did. I’m here. You don’t think I used good judgment?”

“No! You could have gotten yourself killed,” she hissed, throwing out her arms. “How stupid could you be? You’re not armed. Imagine me having to tell Jesse and Billie that you’re never coming home when they worry that for me every night.”

The only thing that gave her peace while standing behind the barricades was Carisi’s knowledge from being in the field, but he used that confidence to put himself in harm’s way - put everything they built together in jeopardy.

However, there wasn’t a second he didn’t think about her, about Jesse, about Billie. Her criticism felt like a punch in the gut, but he didn’t have it in him to fight her about it. He bit the inside of his cheek. “Can you... _can we please just go home_?”

She almost lashed back, but the croak in his voice made Amanda pause - her best friend standing small before her with someone else’s blood on his shirt. It extinguished her anger and she instead felt selfish. In her heart she was right but it wasn’t the time to project her fear that he could have unintentionally left her.

“Sonny...I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, you just went through this awful thing…”

Amanda Rollins rarely apologized, let alone twice. He swallowed hard and chose his next words carefully.

“I’d neva’ do anything to intentionally hurt you like that,” he finally said. “I...acted like I knew how to. I was a cop long before I took the bar exam...it’s still a part of me, you know?”

It felt genuine, earnest. “Okay,” she sighed. “Okay. Let’s go. ”

She could only be thankful that his actions didn’t present consequences. Sonny was a protector to a fault, always brave in the face of someone else’s adversity. If he still had a badge, she may not have been as bothered, but he also wasn’t just a godfather anymore.  
  
Outside, the police cars and ambulances had cleared. The downpour had calmed to a drizzle. Amanda unlocked her Jeep from the outside and they both got in. She put the key in the ignition, but couldn’t start the car. Sonny buckled his seatbelt and looked over at her, frozen and still.

“Amanda?”

She looked down and wet her lip. “When you texted me, you said that you loved me. I didn’t say it back.”

“W-what are you saying?” His heart dropped on top of everything else.

“No, Sonny, I’m...no,” Amanda awkwardly laughed. She left the key and took her hand away. “I love you. Just - today, everything...I’d never forget that, forgive myself if you got hurt or worse and you...didn’t hear it back.”

Her anger was deeper than she’d ever admit. A chill ran up the back of his neck.

“I wasn’t thinkin’ about that...I know.”

She looked up and wiped away a tear with the back of her hand. It was stupid, crying over a theoretical - losing Sonny and living with the guilt of him not hearing again something she never thought she’d ever tell him in the first place. “God, you’ve made me soft.”

“Yeah,” he calmly replied, reaching over his lap to touch her forearm, “but, you’re still the strongest person I know.”

Rollins hiccuped with a slight smile and patted her other eye before looking across the car. He squeezed her arm and they sat in silence until she collected herself enough to drive. Truthfully, no one had ever loved him harder.

Her daughters’ school was just letting out by the time they made it home. Sienna, their nanny, would have watched them until Carisi left the office, but Amanda texted her earlier that due to a family emergency, she could just drop them off; vague, simple, she’d explain later before their ordeal was on the five o'clock news 

After taking his shoes off, Carisi unbuttoned his shirt and walked down the hall to their bedroom. Some days it felt like he’d never stop talking, and his uncharacteristic pensiveness made her uneasy. Amanda gave him a minute of space before following to change out of her clothes that in some places still stuck uncomfortably to her skin.

He had hung up the blood-soiled shirt by the collar on their closet door. Rollins walked past him to the dresser where she unhooked her necklace and tucked it away. Her skin was tacky from the rain and adrenaline. She thought about inviting him to take a quick shower with her, to give closeness he needed and wouldn’t ask for, but decided to embrace dryness a little longer. From the dresser, she pulled out an old oversized T-shirt and peeled off her clothes.

“You think Hadid will be okay?” Rollins asked, breaking the silence as she changed. The shirt fell to her bare thighs like a short nightgown.

“Should be. Just her shoulder was hit.”

As irresponsible as she found his heroism, it was nevertheless noble. She thought about years back when he just started at the DA’s Office and they busted a human trafficking ring in China Town and Carisi climbed a fire escape to rescue a victim - or so she was told.

He continued to sort laundry for the dry-cleaners and Rollins sat down on the edge of the bed. “You still probably saved her.”

“Yeah, we’ll see how that works out for me.”

He was still a moment before quietly laughing.

Amanda smiled out of relief. She pushed herself back on the bed and laid on her side, propping herself up on her elbow. The open side she patted. “Come here?”

With a deep breath, he nodded and turned to crawl up next to her. Sonny laid his head down. She shifted closer to him to share the same pillow and placed a hand on his bicep.

“I know I was mad earlier, but I’m...I’m just glad we’re here at home, together, and you’re okay.”

He solemnly nodded, the air clear.

“I’m lucky. Somehow it’s always someone else’s blood.”

Carisi hid his traumas well - like the time he stared down the barrel of Sergeant Cole’s gun and for a second thought the blood that sprayed on his face was his, or when he came out of the car accident with Jules Hunter with only a scrape and he watched her die. 

Amanda moved her hands to his cheek and jaw, framing his face, and touched her forehead to his furrowed brow. She closed her eyes and listened to him breathe. It had been such a treacherous day. Soon her daughters would be back from school. They’d tell a white lie about why Momma was home and put on a show, the curtains closing at bedtime. Until then he reached to hold her shoulder to wedge his body closer. She weaved her thumb under the grayest parts of hair from his temple, kissed the bridge of his nose, and linked their ankles.

Sonny was lucky. This time he had someone for after the storm.


	8. Forty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rollins and her daughters surprise Carisi on his 40th birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm loosely basing Carisi's age off of PScan's. This was one of the first chapters I thought of for this series :') Thank you for reading and enjoy!

At 40-years-old on paper Dominick Carisi, Jr. was single and childless, but anyone who knew the Manhattan ADA also knew that was far from the truth. He would have never dared to miss Jesse, Billie, or Amanda’s birthdays, but that day on his own, Sonny found himself with the most work he’d had all month. It was going to be a long night alone in his office preparing for a case thrown at him last minute, so the last thing on his mind was aging another year.

On the other hand, every year Rollins actively avoided her birthday, but for his milestone birthday, she planned on doing something special and unexpected; something like she’d scold him for because as a kid her birthday never mattered, so the thoughtfulness made her uncomfortable. When she got home, she helped Jesse and Billie decorate their apartment with balloons and streamers. She had picked up a cake - a cake she left work early for to pick up in another borough. So, when Sonny texted her saying he didn’t know what time he'd be home, it was disheartening.

Carisi was too tired to think much of it. He’d had 39 other birthdays and this one fell on a weeknight. At that point, he’d be content enough to get home before his partner fell asleep to spend the last minutes of his day with her - a full circle from that morning.

Jesse innocently suggested they bring their little party to Sonny if he couldn’t come to them, and Amanda was grateful for the simplified perspective. Not long after she was helping her daughters get dressed for the snowy late February evening. She loaded the girls in the back seat of her Jeep and kept the cake that had already survived a trip from Staten Island in the front with her.

In his office, Sonny started a new pot of coffee. He stood with his hands on his hips and watched the dark liquid drip down, filling his small office with a rich aroma - a smell he was used to now at all hours. His back hurt from sitting so long hunched in his chair and his eyes were heavy. Maybe he had accidentally skipped two birthdays and was aging in double time.

When his door creaked behind him, Carisi turned around expecting to tell the night janitor, who he’d grown a rapport with, to skip his office that night, but it was an even more familiar face.

“You know,” Rollins began, holding the door open and letting her daughters in ahead of her. “If the roles were reversed, I’d never hear the end about working this late on my birthday.”

“Hey! You’re all...hey!” He met the girls in the middle of the room and crouched down to gather them into a hug as Amanda placed the white rectangular cake box in a grocery store plastic bag on his desk.

“We were gonna surprise you,” Billie said.

“I am surprised,” he laughed, pulling back enough to look at both of them.

“No, at home. Momma planned it,” Jesse added.

His smile dropped slightly and he looked up to Amanda taking off her wool coat. “Momma planned something?”

“Nothing big, don’t worry.”

“I didn’t know, I’m sorry,” Carisi said, standing up. “I would have said no to this case.”

“That was the point, Sonny,” she said with a smile so he knew she wasn’t mad at him. Rollins hung up her coat and took her daughter’s jackets and hats.

“Well...I’m so happy you’re all here. Thank you.”

“We brought cake!”

“You did?” he exaggerated playfully before looking at Amanda again.

“Just a little something. C’mere”

Carisi touched the tops of the girl’s heads to step next to their mother in-front of his desk. She unpacked the plastic bag - a couple of paper plates, too many plastic forks, and a butter knife she had thrown in last minute - and the white box underneath. The bakery’s stamp on the top took him back to every special occasion celebrated in the home he grew up in.

“Did...did you go all the way to Staten Island for this?”

She shrugged, playing it off. “I had some help. Happy birthday, Dom.”

“You girls are in for a treat,” Sonny said, smiling as he put his arm around Amanda’s waist. “This is great.” He kissed the top of her head. “You’re great. Thank you, again.”

“Just wait ‘till you get home.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Oh?”

“The...decorations,” she laughed.

“We put up streamers,” Jesse said, proudly.

“All for me?”

“Mhmm!”

“It’s quite a sight,” Amanda snickered. “Jess, can you set up a fork and plate for everyone, please?”

“Yes, Momma.”

The six-year-old little Southern flower that grew up in the North East began to organize the disposable dinnerware.

Amanda leaned into his side and tilted her head back against his shoulder to look up at him as she put a hand on his chest. “Though...maybe then I could convince you to come back sooner?”

“I wish I could.”

She pursed her lips and looked forward. “Candles. I forgot the candles.”

With a chuckle, Sonny squeezed her waist and rubbed her back. “That’s okay. As it turns out...I already have everything else I could have ever wished for.

Her smile was instantaneous and she shook her head at the corniness, but what she failed to consider was that she had brought a cake from another borough, something his mother recommend, and her two children to his office, just so he wouldn’t be alone on his birthday.

Sonny cleared the middle of his desk, roughly organizing papers and files into piles on either side. Seeing Amanda and the girls was what he needed even if it would make him behind on an already anticipated late night. She did the best she could with cutting and serving the thick round cake, with a butter knife and plastic fork. At home, she would have had a slightly better time because Sonny would have found the correct knife out of nowhere, one she never knew they had.

It all worked out well. He’d lost track of time and hadn’t gotten anything substantial for dinner, but at the risk of sounding like a hypocrite for always telling her to eat, he kept that detail to himself as she handed him a plate. The slice wasn't pretty, but that didn't matter. It was his favorite as a kid - a chocolate two layered cake, the perfect texture achieved with house-made ricotta cheese, a secret not-so-secret ingredient - something she definitely picked out with the help of his mom or sisters. He loved that.

His office had limited seating. Sonny offered his oversized desk chair to little Jesse and Amanda held Billie in her lap across the desk. He stood against the large filing cabinets by the door, where the collection of art projects and drawings from both girls hung proudly. He took a bite of the dark, rich cake and it tasted like sitting around the table in his parent’s eat-in kitchen with his sisters at half the height he stood then at 40.

“Momma, we forgot to do the birthday song,” Jesse said, her fork halfway between her mouth and plate.

“I guess we did,” Amanda responded. She glanced at Carisi briefly before bouncing her other daughter in her lap. “Billie, you want to sing with your sister for Sonny?”

“Oh, yes, yes,” the younger girl replied, clapping her hands.

Rollins nodded across the desk. “Go on, baby.”

Jesse hesitated, suddenly feeling shy, but her mother encouraged her by starting the first few notes, elongating the vowels, “ _....happy...birthday--_ ”

The girls picked up and carried the rest of the tune. Rollins hugged her youngest daughter and rested her cheek on the top of her head, watching Sonny as she mouthed along. His smile was sweet, his eyes soft and weightless. He’d never forget the way she looked back at him with her daughters lovingly singing him a happy birthday with a cake from Staten Island on his desk.

After a slice of that cake each, Amanda and her daughters continued to keep the prosecutor company, but she knew they couldn’t stay long. The girls had school in the morning and as happy as she knew their surprise made him, it was already late and he’d be there long after they left.

“I’ll do you the favor of kicking us out,” she said, picking up Billie and sitting her back down in the chair.

“Why would I do that?”

“Exactly,” she smirked, taking his empty plate from the top of the filing cabinet.

His face got serious as he remembered the effort she put into making his day special and he got caught up at work. “I’ll make up for it over the weekend, we can all do something nice.”

“It’s _your_ birthday, Sonny, there’s nothing to make up.”

“Can we go to the zoo?” Billie interjected.

“Oh, can we?” Jesse added.

Carisi stood up straight from his lean on the cabinets. “Whatever you girls want. If you’re happy I’m happy...if it’s okay with your mom.”

“Sure,” she grinned. “As long as it's not too cold.”

Amanda continued tidying up with his help and packed up the remainder of the cake before taking their coats off the hooks by the door. “Alright, girls, time to say goodnight.”

With a yawn, Billie walked over and put her arms through the little puffer coat held out to her. “G’night,” she repeated.

Carisi zipped her coat and kissed her forehead. “Sweet dreams, Billie Bean.”

Jesse hopped down from the large office chair and circled the desk to where her Mom, Billie, and Sonny stood. She wrapped her arms around his legs. In another year she’d be half his height. “Bye, Papa. Happy birthday. I love you.”

It look a second to register.

“I-I’m Papa?” His voice was light, almost a squeak

He looked at Amanda. She opened her mouth but was speechless, so she shrugged and smiled instead. Months ago her oldest daughter asked what to call Sonny now that “Momma loved him and he lived with them like a daddy should.” They had dropped “uncle” since he started coming over for more than spaghetti, and while he was the best father figure either girl had, he casually remained “Sonny”.

“Yeah. You’re papa because I have a daddy and he’s different than Billie’s but we both have you.”

Jesse dropped her arms and Sonny couched down to her level to pull her into a real hug, and kissed the side of her head. “I-I love you too, sweetheart. Thank you. I’m happy to be your papa.”

“You’re welcome,” she said, nonchalantly as he let her go.

Their daughter joined her mother to put on her coat and Carisi slowly stood up. He put her hands on his hips and smiled quietly but big. They could have called him just Sonny forever. Jesse and Billie were his girls regardless of the title. He always had and always would love them as his own, and while not expected, getting that love returned was a beautiful feeling.

Amanda rocked on her heels. “You’re sure you can’t come home with us?”

Her heart was swollen. She hated how needy she sounded, but how could she want him anywhere else. Papa was nice. Her father was “Daddy” to that day and Dominick was anything but the man who walked out on her and Kim.

Sonny blinked slowly, his eyebrows furrowed, and sighed: an answer he didn’t have in him to say. He took her wool coat from her arm and held it outward to her by the shoulder seams. “I’ll you walk you out?”

She understood but wasn’t happy about it. With a half-smile, she stepped into her coat. “Okay.”

With everyone bundled for the cold except for him, they left his office. It was a short walk to the main entrance, past the open offices where the janitor was emptying under desk trash cans. Amanda carried her youngest daughter, filled with sugar but somehow still exhausted. They stopped in front of the revolving door. He didn’t want them to leave. He didn’t want to stay. Carisi touched her arm supporting Billie on her hip.

“I...could probably get out of here in an hour if I come in tomorrow super early.”

She smiled at the familiarity from their early days and adjusted her daughter. “Do that.”

“Okay,” Sonny chuckled. He moved his hand to her face. “Thank you for this.”

Amanda glanced down at Jesse before meeting his eyes again. “Thank you for...you.”

He was 40, she was the love of his life and he could call her his everything.

He sighed happily. “Drive safe, okay?”

She nodded and kissed him before turning towards the exit. Amanda slowed down after a step and looked over her shoulder. “See you at home...Papa Sonny.”

It rolled easily off her tongue and her playful tone made him stand taller. He mouthed goodbye, lifted his wrist for a subtle wave, and stood alone in the middle of the hall until they were out of sight. Sonny put his hands in his pockets and turned to walk back down the hall alone to his office.

The night janitor was still working in the middle of the open office and picked up his head as the lawyer returned.

“Another late night, Mr. Carisi?”

He stopped walking forward and did a little step to the side. “Afraid so.”

“Well, you’ve got a beautiful wife and family there. Don’t spend all night with me.”

He looked down with a smile. “Ah, I won’t...and she’s...well, thank you, I’m...I’m blessed big time.”

In a couple of years, he hoped it wouldn’t be a lie by omission, saving the time to explain their situation to work on what kept them apart. Carisi returned to his office and finally poured that cup of coffee. His hair aged faster than he did - like the pigment was gradually replaced by love for the woman he built a life with and hoped to return to before midnight. He had no children, but he was a papa, and it was more than he could have wished for.


End file.
